Coaching for Resolution

The Resolution Skills Centre in Winnipeg offers an excellent two day course called "Coaching for Resolution". It's part of their conflict resolution curriculum.

Coaching is much different from mediation. Mediation involves working with two people in conflict and by having meetings with both of them, helping them to resolve their dispute. Coaching, on the other hand, is helping someone resolve their own problems, including a conflict they are having with other people. It can be done by an office manager with feuding staff, the sister of a woman having a fight with her boyfriend or a father talking to his son about an illegal check in his hockey game.

Most of us have done some coaching in our personal lives. Family, friends, coworkers or neighbours may come to us to talk about a problem they're having with someone else. Unfortunately, bad coaching can make the situation worse. Ill-conceived theories, assuming the worst about the other side and encouraging extreme reactions can just feed the conflict. In family law, this comes up when one spouse will talk about their marital problems to others, and be fed poor legal advice, encouraged to take extreme positions and seek revenge with a "war" mentality. Not only will this make the problems worse, but it can cause tension between the coacher and coachee if the advice is not taken.

Healthy coaching involves a few steps. When a friend or family member starts talking about their problem and you want to help them by coaching, realize immediately that you cannot give advice or your own opinion. They must come up with options for resolution themselves. This is very, very difficult for most people, but practice makes perfect.

The basic coaching steps are:

1. Let them vent/rant, and ask them questions. Use open-ended questions to make sure they give you (and themselves) a full picture of the scenario. Are there any other sides to the story? Has this happened before? Have they tried any other options to resolve the conflict? This sort of questioning can move the person into a more problem-solving frame of mind.

2. Ask them to imagine a resolution. What would they like to see happen? How would they like to see the conflict resolved? Sometimes people are so caught up in the battle, they haven't actually given a resolution any thought.

3. Once they have an idea as to what they'd like the outcome to look like, explore options to get to that resolution. Again, it is crucial that the coach not start giving advice. Ask open-ended questions and let the person consider their choices. Should they write a letter? Set up a meeting? Talk with a third party? Do more research? Let it go? Ask them to think about the pros and cons of each option.

4. Once the person has chosen their next step, help prepare them for it. What are they going to say in the letter? What if the person they're fighting with refuses a meeting? If they agree to a meeting, how will the meeting begin? What could go wrong with their plan?

Coaching is a powerful tool. Empowering people to solve their own problems is a wonderful feeling.